Review: MEATmission, Hoxton

Pat Sharpe's mullet, Jose Pizzaro and mess

You cannot walk through Shoreditch/Hoxton with out being mesmerised by the plethora of bars, restaurants and entertainment venues clambering over each other for prominence.

 

The more graffiti and shanty-townish look to the venue, the better. Not since the Second World War has corrugated iron and oversized moustaches been so plentiful.

But amongst this sea of hipsters and innovative, sole trader start-ups there is a dichotomy developing.

The forerunners of the trendy diverse restaurant and bar movement are themselves expanding to take on more venues, locations, staff and power.

Not that I’m against this in any way, because those I speak of have earned their glory and their dosh through hard work and imagination.

But it is ironic that at the beating heart of the hipster movement, the trendsetters, are becoming exactly what they set out to oppose. But, holy cow, don’t they do it well.

 

Having eaten in MEATliquor Welbeck Street not long after its conception, I could never have imagined that we’d have more burger menus on London’s walls than in Elvis Presley’s portaloo.

The MEATliquor group alone now have sister restaurants in Covent Garden, Brixton, Leeds, Brighton, as well as designs on many more.

But unlike a recent trip to Byron that I would like to forget, the expansion of this popular concept continues to inspire and amaze.

The quality of MEATmission in Hoxton was apparent from moment one.

Normally walking into a darkened, eerie corridor with only the sounds of screams and the smell of meat wafting through the air would put me on edge but not here.

The cocktail bar, close seating, and atmosphere of frenzied fun hits you like a fog, and it doesn’t

leave until you do.

Syphoned off into a small private room that was still in touching distance of the bar and resonated the atmosphere, our group was seen to instantly and made to feel comfortable.

Craft beers, modern lagers and an exclusive list of cocktails help to take you from inquisitive to confident, though the £4.20 price of a 330ml can of Hobo can mount up. But still, you only live once.

Burgers as famous as footballers feature on the list – The Dead Hippie ^TM – as well as the classic spicy wings, slaws and all the sides as well as a few new 'dogs - an evolution from the original MEATliquor menu.

But I was intrigued by the new guest burger option.

“You don’t go to burger joints for sophistication, culture and European flamboyance”, I heard someone cry (for the purposes of this review).

Try telling that to the brains who brought in Tapas guru Jose Pizzaro to create his own burger. Genius.

Iberico spiced pork patty, topped with manchego cheese, jamon iberico, caremelised onions and Spanish alioli.

At £9.95 it was a tapas-infused, melt-in-the-mouth bargain. Falling apart like a Topman jacket, I almost asked the succulent burger to move in with me. Clearly the innovation continues.

For those that have never experienced MEATliquor or its sister venues, there are lots of trays, a limited amount of plates and cutlery, and a glut of kitchen towel. Imagine ITV’s Fun House meets Man Vs Food just without Pat Sharpe’s mullet or go-karts.

It’s messy but it’s brilliant.


And if you don't quite feel that you have pummelled yourself with meat enough, you can always try 'The Triple Chicken Challenge' – to devour the Dirty Chicken Burger, Buffalo Chicken Burger & Monkey Fingers in the quickest possible time. 

You have to be ready for fun, spillages and noise, but the key factors of good food, good service and a great atmosphere still apply. As does the obvious intent to keep evolving and creating new ideas.

The flavours and menu ideas are excellent, portion size is spot on and if you want heat, they can dish that out too.

MEATmission asks you to ‘go hard or go home’.

Where to find them: MEATmission, 14-15 Hoxton Market, N1 6HG. 020 7739 8212. 

Blog: Review - Byron Burger Kensington

Fads, mayonnaise, Larry David and penny farthings

Yoyos, Tamagotchi, Pogs. They all have one thing in common. They were a passing fad. They made millions of people happy. And they made millions.

There is a fad in the food trade at the moment, but whether or not it is passing remains a question. These booth seating, American food serving, truck stop diner reminding, junk food haunts are here in force.

That description sounds negative but it really isn’t. I love the ideas that are coming out.

Burger and Lobster, Patty and Bun, Duck and Waffle. Basically the key seems to be get two base ingredients, stick ‘em together and add frilly bits.

Simple but effective, and on the most part, bloody delicious.

I have been to Bubbledogs in Fitzrovia. It is genius. The simplicity, of putting a frankfurter in a bun then covering it in varying toppings making it a Mexicana, or a New Yorker is so simple. And it tastes good.

Stick a glass of Champagne in someone’s hand and it feels glamourous. Make them queue in the street and it feels exclusive. Execute the service well and the customers will relish the experience (excuse the bun, er pun).

A few years ago I ate at one of the originals, MeatLiquor, pointed out to me by someone with their hipster finger on the pulse. (Just to point out the same friend now has a really long beard, but I still love him).

Again MeatLiquor executed their no plates, finger muching, rough and ready occasion with class.

But there are only so many burgers you can eat in one life time and so picking up on the good fad restaurants is very important. Don’t waste your weekly carbs and meat allowance on one of the shit ones.

Unfortunately, this week I did. And I hope it wasn’t the moment that the fad reached saturation point.

I have heard so many good things about Byron Burger. In fact they must have been doing fairly well because they can boast 36 diners across London with a 37th soon to be opening in Holborn.

Popping out for a spot of lunch I used the website’s “nearest Byron” locater which lead me to Kensington High Street.

With the sniffery infused West London clientele to satisfy, I figured that this was probably going to be one of the better of the chain’s locations. It didn’t have the lights and whistles of the Hammersmith branch just up the road, but I wasn’t going to walk the extra mile for what should surely be the same offering.

It didn’t start well. Craft beers are all the rage, and places like Bubbledogs have tapped into that market, offering beers that are hard to track down anywhere else. So I chose the in-house Byron Lager.

“We don’t have the Byron Lager”, she says. I didn’t want to go all Larry David and so held back from asking where else I could possibly get a Bloody Byron Beer if not from Bloody Byron Burger.

I took on a small Peroni instead. Out comes a large one. Normally I wouldn’t quibble, but I was working and had to drive later.
They took it back.

The second attempt featured a small Peroni with a glass tumbler. The tumbler was battered and scratched to within an inch of its life. I actually don’t mind that, it shows use and character.

However, I don’t particularly like my tumblers with a side order of mayonnaise, despite its beautiful nouvelle cuisine-style smear down the side. Well at least I hope it was mayonnaise.

The home of the “proper burger”. A great sound byte. I am not sure if you can sue under the trade descriptions act, but there was nothing “proper” about it, unless by “proper” you mean proper similar to Wimpy.

To be fair, the actual meat patty was cooked well. But the refrigerator tinged bun, stalk end of a lettuce leaf and token tomato and onion slices were pretty pathetic. Oh and there’s the mayonnaise again.

Are they trying to fob hipsters and fad chasers into thinking that it’s just really trendy to be crap?

“Oh you will love it Gilligan, they serve it up on an already greasy piece of grease proof paper and there is open plan kitchen where you can watch the chefs carry a dirty table outside before picking up your plate and handing it to you. It’s just sooooo Shoreditch!”

From the picture you can also see a lonely gherkin, quartered length ways, (I guess that is arty), stuck on the side of the plate looking very sorry for itself. I was just grateful it didn’t have mayonnaise down the side of it as well.

I left there genuinely wishing I had got a Burger King. It would have been half the price and at least there, you already know that once you’ve ordered and eaten there will be feeling of melancholy and regret.

As I unchained my penny farthing, tied back my hair and put on my Morrissey record I couldn’t help but ponder – “Oh well, only 253 burgers left to eat then.”